Forged and Polished: Chapter Nine

I wake up to my alarm yelling. Two more days. Fuck, it's so real now.  Two days left at this company. Two days left before I leave my first professional job.

It's just become a routine to wake up, realize I'm still alive, and then immediately start freaking out about a decision I willingly made. I must be losing my mind.

Rolling over, I turn on my lights and pick up my phone. Somehow, Alex is already up and messaging me.

Good morning beautiful. Take a deep breath. You can handle everything coming.

I'm going to have to get him to stop being so nice to me, or I am going to start crying just from the sheer confusion. He's so nice that it feels impossible. How's he divorced if he's this kind? Maybe the sex was that bad.

Morning. Ya know... that's debatable. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I shoot off the text and convince my legs to carry me out of bed. I can feel the stress settling into my bones at this point. I need a massage and a week on an island.

I hear my phone buzz, but instead of grabbing it, I turn on the hot water to near volcano levels and stand under it. I'm sure my therapist would love to tell me that it's a form of self harm, but fuck it. I know my skin is beat red. I know it's a little much. But I'm fucking stressed right now, and it's better than a lot of the other outcomes.

I take this quiet time to just be with my own self. I've been so high and so low this week. I love starting whatever this thing is with Alex. He's been a constant part of my life for the last five years. Granted, his role has changed significantly, but he's always been there.

He's been a happy smile while I was learning the ropes. He was someone safe when I failed. He was a mentor and a friend. Now he's maybe a partner? It's been an incredible realization.

But this week has also brought on some of the deepest uncertainty I've ever felt. Moving cities. Changing majors and career goals. All that shit has nothing on the fear and uncertainty I'm feeling right now. I am leaving a career I thought I'd stay on forever. I guess it was shortsighted to think I would stay here forever, but I never really thought that I'd leave.

Something changed a few months ago. It's not like I hadn't seen the ugly side of forensics before. I'd seen it within six months. I'd seen lawyers try to force my data to fit their conclusion. I'd been forced to tears by their badgering, but I could always shake that off.

I'm not sure if I can pin it down to one occurance even. It was a bad day here and no support there. That always led to me looking at job listings. I didn't actually take it seriously until a few months ago. I guess I was just tired of it all. All I ever wanted was to do science. I never wanted to argue in court. I never wanted to fight for my data. I just wanted to be a lab rat and explore. I think I just finally broke and started applying outside of my field.

Once again, my water starts to cool off. Shaking myself back to reality, I hurry up to finish and start the rest of my routine. I'm too stressed to think about a super cute outfit, so I just grab a cute black blouse and some skinny jeans. I am nothing if not a millennial stereotype when I get dressed anyways.

I know I'm running a few minutes behind, but I still sit down with my coffee for a few minutes to answer some texts.

Alex sends over another grossly cute "you're not losing your mind. Now hurry up and get in so I can see you, pretty girl."

Before I head out, I notice a message from my best friend that I had ignored on accident.

Liz!!!

Still doing dinner?

Don't ignore me.

Welp. I forgot about that. We agreed to these plans last week. It's probably not a bad idea. I need to talk through the shitshow in my head.

Shit dude. Sorry. Yes. Dinner. Six? Wanna be trashy and get Olive Garden? We need to talk about everything.

Hitting send, I step into my shoes, grab Charlie, and head out the door. I don't actually have a scheduled start time, but I feel like I need to be there at my normal time no matter what.

The drive is uneventful, but I have to use it to focus on my breathing. I can feel my chest getting tight and my shoulders rising uncontrollably. The hot shower wasn't able to untangle my muscles. Charlie is just looking out the window and being the cutest little fluff. I don't know what I would do without her. She really is my little emotional sponge.

She starts yelling to be let out of her carrier before I even reach my office. She knows where she is and knows her way around by now.

Her meows alert my coworkers to my presence. Jim yells a good morning, and Alex pokes his head out of his office to smile at me. I send him back a big smile and duck into my office. Charlie is fully yelling to be let out at this point. Before I can even completely open the door to her carrier, she's out and walking around.

I know she's annoying the guys who are already in. She can be a bit much when she's in a mood, and she's clearly in a MOOD today. She's probably going to spend the day yelling at everyone.

She jumps up on my desk for love, and I don't notice Alex come down to my office.

"Good morning. She's certainly something today," he chuckles.

"Yeah if you can get her to shut up, by all means, go for it." I reply.

He laughs, but then comes over and picks her up. I can hear her purring and see her leaning into him.

I lower my voice, "she likes you too much."

He just keeps petting her and smiles wide.

"How are you doing this morning? You seemed like you were freaking out earlier?" He asks with his voice lower. He's so careful with me.

"Yeah I mean, I'm not great, but I'm managing. I don't really have a choice." I respond to him. He nods his head in response.

"Well take it easy these last two days. I'm sure you don't have a ton left. Then you have a week off right?"

"Yeah, I do. Thankfully. I'll probably end up sleeping some of it," I pause before continuing. "Did you want to come over and do a movie night on Saturday?"

"I assumed we were spending Saturday together if I'm being completely honest," he slyly smiles back at me.

I have to laugh at that. "Okay fair. Movies and I'm craving Thai food. So executive decision, we are getting Thai. Also we should probably get to work," I whisper back at him.

He nods his head and turns to leave. Charlie protests by following him, but he steps over gate and heads back to his office.

He was right. I don't have a ton of work left to do. The rest of the day is spent in a couple of hand off meetings and some maintenance around the lab. I don't want to leave this place a mess come Monday. Charlie spends the rest of her day yelling  for attention from everyone who comes near our office. She usually gets it too.

We head out of our second to last day, but the emotions start to hit, and I'm crying by the time I'm at my car. I can't believe tomorrow is my last day here. It's all ending tomorrow. I guess something is also truly beginning tomorrow night as well, but that seems so distant compared to my loss.

We get home, I change into comfy clothes for dinner, and wait for my bestie to get off work. Kai is usually a bit later than I would like when it comes to being on time.

They text me that they will be ready in ten minutes, so I grab my bag and head out to pick them up. The drive up is still somehow kind of sad. Maybe I'm just a sad bitch today. I'm sure Kai will love this mood.

They are waiting for me in their driveway, so we immediately head out. They can sense my mood and stare at me.

"Why are you being a sad bitch? Aren't you supposed to be happy and annoying? You have a new boy toy." They interrogate me. I should have expected this.

"Yeah well I'm in my feels okay? Forgive a girl," I shoot back.

They must notice that I'm just not okay because their face softens.

"Okay tell me what's wrong. I was expecting a little sad. Not 'cry into my ice cream' sad."

I just start into it all as we drive. "I'm just feeling a lot of things. I mean I am really happy to start whatever this is with Alex, but I'm also leaving forensics. I always thought I would be a forensic scientist. I never even thought about anything else, and now I'm leaving it. Like... it feels like a sad ending."

"Okay, I can see where you are now. But hun, this was your choice. You've spent the last year telling me how soul sucking this job was. I know how much this place faded your spirit," they respond. They are right, but it doesn't make this easier.

"I know you're right. Logically, you're right. But my heart is so sad. I love this team. I love the pure science I do," I say as I feel the tears biting at the corners of my eyes.

We finish the drive in silence between us. Only the music is playing. They can tell I'm having a hard time and aren't pushing me.

Once we are seated at our table, Kai just looks at me. I guess tonight is about me spilling my guts.

"You're going to make me talk about my feels aren't you?" I say.

"Yes, yes I am. Now speak." They respond.

I take a deep breath and try.

"I'm feeling a lot of things about a lot of things.

Breathe Liz.

"I'm so sad to be leaving this team. And I know that's stupid. They are part of the reason I'm leaving. Jim was never there for me when I needed a mentor. He never actually helped me. He just threw me in the deep end, and said he would help, but he just yelled at me. He just made me feel useless. He never gave me actual work to meet my goals."

Kai is just nodding their head along. They've heard a lot of this before. Maybe not all in one word vomit sentence but in pieces. They know why I'm leaving.

"But I'm also leaving the first place I ever worked as a scientist. The place that taught me how to actually use the science I learned in my degrees. I also met some incredible people.

"I mean that's probably an obvious one right? Like I'm sort of seeing one of them now?" I have to laugh at that.

They just smirk at me.

"Are you going to say anything?" I half yell at them. We have been eating breadsticks for a bit now while I oscillate between word vomit and silence. They haven't said anything.

"Liz, just keep going. You need it."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! I need it? I need to get super emotional in an Olive Garden?

I suspect they can tell I'm confused and clarify, "Liz you clearly need to vent and talk out what your feelings. So do it."

Okay fine. I'll vent.

"Why the fuck am I now dating my manager? Like I can keep saying he's not my supervisor, but he pretty much is, and holy fuck, we are starting a relationship? Of all the stupid shit I've done, this has to top it."

Now Kai has something to add, "oh hun, that professor in college who brought you into the kink scene at 18 with ZERO discussion about boundaries and knowledge was far worse."

Now I'm laughing, "why did you have to bring that up?! It took me years to realize how fucked up that was.

"Did I ever tell you that he took me to a hotel room the first time we met? That I felt like I had zero ability to say no, and then he just did whatever he wanted to me. He made me feel so small and uncomfortable and played it off as 'kink'. Motherfucker no that was kink, that was fucking abuse. He crossed so many hard limits. He's even the reason I have some of the limits I have. He's the fucking reason no one is allowed to lick me. Like anywhere. Idk if I told you that? Hard fucking limit because of him."

I wear myself out as I feel tears starting at the corners of my eyes. I hadn't thought about that interaction in years. It still makes my skin crawl. He was so predatory, and I had no idea that I was so unprepared.

"Liz, you're not there anymore. You're not even in the same city. You never have to see or hear from him ever again," they repeat to me. I know that asshole is a sore subject, but I wasn't ready for tears.

Another deep breath.

"I know. The scars are just still there. I have taken that fear and turned it into my strength. That's why I advocate and teach in the scene now. That's why I ran my Domme services the way I did. I know that's what made some of those men run away after an education session, but I don't give a fuck. I sit down with everyone to talk education now. I actually accidentally may have told Alex I was a Domme with professional experience," I trial off.

Kai's eyes go wide, "girl you already brought that up?! And he didn't go running?!"

I shrug, "he was certainly umm... shocked? He has no experience in kink. He also seemed at least mildly interested. I think there will be something to play with there. He has already shown interest in work torture."

"Again, Liz, I really didn't need to know that."

"You're my best friend. Deal with it," I glare at him. It's all out of love though.

"Yeah yeah yeah. You make me crazy sometimes. I am glad you're happy though, and you'll get through the sad you're dealing with too. Just don't get too carried away with the puppy love."

"Oh I am so far gone with the puppy love," I respond with a smirk.

"Okay fine. I know you well enough to know that's hopeless. Just don't tell me specifics about his dick, okay?"

I'm laughing and trying lot to choke on my food now, "no promises."

We spend the next two hours laugh and joking, talking about everything I'm managing, and then laughing again. God, I really needed this.

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